*This is, of course, a lie; you should know by now that I lie to you… A lot. A LOT.

Lately I’ve been plumbing the depths of my soul.

That’s not really saying much, admittedly.  It’s practically as deep as a wishing fountain, only there’s no hope… or money.  I mean, you can literally (not literally) see the bottom; the lifeguard looks bored and they teach kids swimming classes and let the seniors do their water aerobics – basically, there’s an unspeakable amount of incontinence that’s all but discolored the water.  But that’s okay; I don’t drink as much pool water as I did when I was a kid so my urine intake has slowly tapered off to nominal amounts (according to the FDA… I mean, what’s THEIR agenda, am I right? AM I RIGHT?)

So yea, my soul…

I mean, what the fuck?  Am I the only one who sees things the way I do? Wait… I’m told we need to have a word from our sponsors:

Water: You can drink it.

Wow.  Okay, whatever.  Why they would pick my show to advertise on is even more of an enigma than why they would advertise in the first place.  It’s like Pepsi and Coke; WE GET IT.  YOU’RE STILL THERE.  And while I’m at it, why can’t a quotation mark serve as a capitalized apostrophe? I’m sick of typing an angry sentence, trying to be punctuationally correct, then having to go back to replace my quotation with a regular apostrophe.  Maybe we can start a people’s revolution to condense all three variations of “you’re” into just “your.” Then we can simply use “there” for all three of those, too.  Don’t even get me STARTED on “which…”  Okay, now I’m getting off track…

So yea; I’m trying to find purpose in life… Really? Another sponsor’s message? Alright, play it:

The Internet: It’s pretty much kind of like a thing that you can get on and do stuff!

Jeez.  That sounds like something I would have made up.  Oh well, they’re the marketing geniuses, not me. … AGAIN? Okay, another message from our sponsor:

“Punctuationally:” Not a word.

Hmm. I think that was a personal attack; or Google’s ‘adsense’ is just getting GOOD.  Nevertheless… Where was I? Oh yes: existentialism. It’s…

Existentialism: Don’t waste everyone’s time talking about if you’re just a hack blogger.

You know, this is why I wanted to keep this a one-man operation.  But NOooooo.  I had to go and sell out and this is what I get.

Selling Out: Not just for sell-outs anymore!

Okay, that one’s not even real.  I would keep this up but…

Having Trouble keeping it up? Make your dick hard with “DICK-HARD,” the hard dick pill! She’ll be glad your dick was hard.

But I…

Butt: It’s like you back’s crotch.

I just…

Just: When you need a word between “I” and whatever word you were going to say next!

want…

Want: Need’s spoiled little brother!

Never mind.

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