Archive for the ‘Don't Ever Read Ever’ Category

A New Phase

Posted: May 19, 2016 in Don't Ever Read Ever

2015-10-23 10.39.14

Webster’s defines “new” as “yadda yadda yadda…” No one cares.

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve contributed anything of worth to this site – or society in general. In a way I feel like I’ve been letting my creative side down, but I also realize that in order to have something worth writing about – or singing about, thinking about, or even mentioning – one must live a little. I read a quote once that said (something along the lines of) “I don’t want to read a book by a person who hasn’t read much.” Point being that one must gain experience in order to relay anything interesting to others.

I like to think of myself as a sort of sieve. An information processor, if you will (and if you won’t, then fuck right the fuck off). What we are – what we do – is take in stimulation of one sort or another, and process it through our experience. This very experience is what determines if something is humerus, sad, lovely, touching, interesting, boring, or anything. We then either reject or incorporate this stimulation into who we are; and those bits which we incorporate, we project back out into the world for the next person to experience and either incorporate or reject. In this manner, we take the most primitive of ideas of our ancestors and through the process of filtering and refinement, create the world we currently experience. Generations from now, the echos of our lives will still have reverberations. I think it was Walt something-or-other that said as people, (maybe he said “writers,” I don’t know) the very best we can hope for is to leave a tiny scratch on the great wall of eternity; that we’re infinitely small and unimportant and that the most any of us could hope for is to be remembered – since all of our works and will be eaten by erosion and time.

In a way, it brings hope. No matter how low a point you manage to achieve in this world, there’s always death to look forward to – and with it, obscurity – just like everyone else. We’re all the same in death (religious ideas aside). But it also brings with it a strange foreboding: that no matter how great an achievement you embody, no matter how much money you make, no matter how many hotels you have named after you, eventually it will all be destroyed and no one will care. Hell, if humanity never makes it off planet Earth, then in several billion years the sun will expand and reclaim the Earth. [citation needed]

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m achieving a certain degree of peace in my life. It’s a difficult path to walk; being content with what you have and who you are versus growing, changing, and adapting to keep up with the world in which you live – but I feel like I’m finding that balance. I no longer obsess over having six-pack abs but I’m also conscientious to exercise and keep weight down. I’m no longer obsessed over trying to be everything to everyone, yet I’m happy to strive to be the kind of person I’d love to run into. The dichotomies are endless, really, and I’ve got a lot of growing to do, I admit, but that growth is now accompanied by a tranquility I’ve rarely known. While I’m still not sure of who I want to be in the future, as I am absolutely terrible at goal setting, I am sure that it will be someone I’d want as a friend, lover, or associate.

So with that, let’s toast to getting old, getting wise, and gaining perspective. Sorry for the dearth of baby rape comments you’ve come to expect form my blog. Perhaps next time we’ll address something gross or socially unacceptable; like, for instance, is child porn from the 1970’s still illegal? I mean, surely those guys are in their 40s or 50s by now, right? These questions and more we’ll discuss next time.



It’s pointless to play “I spy” when the answer to “I spy something… TAN!” invariably evokes the response, “EVERYTHING!!!” How about a little diversity, huh, Afhghanistan – IF that is your real name?

God this fucking place sucks. The people smell like curry and the curry smells like camel farts and the camel farts smell… well, surprisingly organic… but that’s not the point. The point is that the last five months have kicked my ass. Don’t worry; I’m not going to become another statistic; that’s far to gauche for my tastes. No. If I die it’s gonna be cool – like a standoff with the FBI while I stubbornly defend my crazy views on God and religion. My three followers will have, of course, already sacrificed themselves for my cause. I’ll take a bullet or two to the chest and as I lay dying I’ll grasp the hand of a dear loved one and declare my last wishes amid spasms of coughing up blood. At last I’ll give up the ghost half-way through a sentence (leaving my attendant wondering, “Orange who?” because inevitably, my last words will be a knock-knock joke).

As I’m looking down at my body that is currently pissing itself and loosing its bowels on the unsuspecting ground, I’ll wonder if it was all in vain. I’ll wonder if I did all I could have – or should have – for society or myself. I’ll ask myself if I lived a good life or a mediocre life. Hopefully I won’t dwell too long on these droll subjects; floating around outside my body is fucking AWESOME!

I think I’ll fly about for a while now and enjoy the wind in my… ghost hair?

BAM! With a title like that, how could you NOT read this article, right?  I apologize if your work computer has blocked my site.  If it hasn’t yet, I submit to your proxy server a picture of my penis:

Straight-up penis skin, baby! (not baby penis, despite it's size...)

You’d be surprised by some of the weird shit I Google.  Or not.  Whatever.  I’m not paid to surprise you so frankly, I could care less.  However, without fail I will wind up on someone’s blog and after reading the post, I will read the comments.  Occasionally the comments have useful feedback, corrections, anecdotes, testimonials, or even the phone number to a tranny down at Waikiki that said she’d meet me but didn’t because she thought I was a cop because I asked too many questions because I like to play danger safely and that cost me half a tank of gas BUT I DIGRESS…

Anyway, I was on a blog about some guy who shaves with extra virgin olive oil.  I was intrigued.  I’ve been looking for a way to simplify and revamp my hygiene regiment to be more organic and natural.  It was a good article.  But the comments made it great.  So, without further adieu…

Very good journey and experience!

Okay.  A little vague but perhaps still relevant…

nice share, good article, very usefull for me…thank you

Hmm.  Pretty vague AND a misspelled “useful?”

really appreciate YOU — thanks a lot!

Uh, stalker much?  Why the emphasis on “you?”

One again, your articles is very good.thank you!very much

Notice the punctuation and in particular, the punctuation in between “you” and “very.”  I mean, sometimes I type too fast and put one or two letters in the wrong order, but not entire concepts… Okay, sometimes I even put entire wrong order!concepts in the

Thanks for good information that comes out to read.

This is where it starts to get good.  I mean, was it necessary to write “that comes out to read?”  That’s like getting food at a restaurant and telling the waiter, “Thanks for the food that you gave me that I can eat.”  I guess if a majority of the food was burnt or spoiled, you may say it sarcastically…

A thing of beauty is a joy forever

This is not even… This has nothing to do with the article.  Plus the premise is flawed.  Even beautiful flowers die eventually.

Very inspiring place of levy.

Hmm.  I assume they meant to say “levity,” but instead I think perhaps they are trying to wage war?

In turn supplied by all the team is amazingly of usage expert all of us, Thanx to alllllll ….

I don’t even know about this one… When someone says “all,” they would elongate the “a” not the “ll.” This would look and sound weird.  Plus, who even elongates the word “all” anyway? I can’t think of a single instance where you would.  This is when I began to be suspicious…

This is the first time I comment on your site, but I’ve been keeping up with your work for a while now. I admire the passion with which you write the articles and dream that someday I can do the same. Love

Oooh! Whichever bot wrote this comment must have a human heart!!!

I like idea behind your post. I want to read more from you. Your thought process is unique and effective.

Thank you, fifth-grade teacher bot.  Your thought process, however, is commonplace and impotent.

This one is an inspiration personally to uncover out rather more associated to this subject. I need to confess your data extended my sentiments in addition to I’m going to right now take your feed to stay up to date on every coming blog posts you would possibly probably create. You might be worthy of thanks for a job perfectly carried out!

This one is my favorite: just look at all the syntax errors and mis-usage!!! Mmmm it’s creamy and delicious!  I mean, “I need to confess your data extended my sentiments…” PURE FUCKING GOLD.  I invite you to say this one out loud, with feeling.  It’ll tickle your chicken dick.

This blog is terrific. There’s often all the appropriate info at the suggestions of my fingers. Thank you and maintain up the superior work!

Question: What are the ‘suggestions of your fingers?”

Spot i’ll carry on with this write-up, I seriously believe this web site wants considerably more consideration. I’ll probably be once again to learn to read far more, many thanks that information.

Yo dawg, I heard you liked consideration.

Many thanks for developing the effort to discuss this, I feel strongly about this and like studying a great deal more on this subject. If feasible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating having a great deal much more info? It is very beneficial for me.

This bot is REALLY into shaving with olive oil.  So much so that he is requesting updates as the author gains expertise.  With all the effort needed to be developed to discuss this, perhaps we’ll see a whole series of articles by this man providing us with a “great deal” more information on this endlessly (apparently) deep subject.  You know, if it’s feasable.

 I’m impressed of , I need to say. Really not often do I encounter a blog that’s each educative and entertaining, and let me inform you, you have got hit the nail on the head. Your concept is outstanding; the difficulty is one thing that not sufficient people are speaking intelligently about. I’m very blissful that I stumbled throughout this in my seek for something regarding this.

This man is apparently BLISSFUL about this.  I mean, a good clean shave is nice and all, I’ll admit, but this guy has got hit the nail IN the head.

ZOMG Okay, I had a blast “writing” this.  Well, copying and pasting. Well, pointing and clicking.  Damn.  Nothing is real, is it?

Peace, y’all!