Ask Mr. Musician #4 (or whatever number I’m up to)

Posted: December 24, 2011 in Don't Ever Read Ever, Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

Well! It’s that time again, kiddies!  (incidentally, kids should… uh, not be allowed to read this); the fourth edition of “Ask Mr. Musician” is here!  Are you excited? I’m excited. That at least explains the dot of moisture forming on my $120 Buffalo button-fly jeans… Jeez, it’s just a blog article, you’d think I was meeting Justin Bieber or something.  We had so many questions this week that I decided not to include the names of those who wrote in.  Just imagine your own names like “Jake” or “Debbie” or “Holden McGroin.”

Anyway, as you know, this is the forum for you, the loving and devoted viewer, to ask me questions related to music and I answer to the best of my ability; or at least sarcastically enough that I get a good chuckle before I go to bed sad and alone.

Question: Is a Kardashian an animal, mineral, or vegetable?
Answer: I decided not to answer you.  This is my answer.  Plus I don’t think it’s even related to music.  Damn.  Way to get the show off to a dead start. Fuck me.  If this is any indication of how the show is going to go, I’m gonna go ahead and start drinking the vodka out of my cereal bowl.  Fuck you; like YOU ever do the dishes.  Anyhoo, lets get started! Still excited? I’ve got a raging semi.

Question: Joe Jonas just released a new album and Lil Wayne sings on one of the tracks; In this track, Lil Wayne cusses. WHDFXUP with that?
Answer: Maybe. Oh? Wait… Sorry, I thought you asked a “yes” or “no” question and I was trying to be ironic.  No, this is allowed.  Joe Jonas was saving himself for Lil Wayne.  Thus, the promise ring…  Eh, i can’t even fake-care about this question.  NEXT!

Question: I love Dream Theater, but since Mike Portnoy left, I can’t get into them; what should I do?
Answer: Kill yourself. But not boringly, like with pills or the yawn-a-thon wrist-slitting. You’d probably just do those wrong anyway and wake up in the hospital with another thing added to the list of things you’ve failed at and are bad at doing. No; you need to get creative. If you are going to use pills, Be sure to buy red paint and make your apartment look like a crime scene; sling it all over the walls and floor. Break things and turn your place upside down. Cover yourself in the red paint and tear your clothes to shreds. Write a note from “the devil” that can only be read in the mirror professing your undying love to Nicki Minaj (you know who the fuck she be!) Only THEN should you take the pills; be sure you’re holding a gun as you begin to lose consciousness, too. This will blow the coroner’s mind. But wait! You just took a bunch of tylenol, you dumb shit. Now you have to clean up your mess when you get out of the hospital as well as take OTHER pills the rest of your life to compensate for your fucked-up liver now. Plus, you ever tried to get red latex paint out of white carpet? You’d have better luck getting the black off Oprah.  Well, There goes your deposit. Now THERE’s a reason to kill yourself. Hope this helps. Take care.

Question:Punk music is too easy, but Jazz is too hard.
Answer: That’s more of a thing you should tweet to your depressed, le-memebase-reading, neo-con, emo-hipster friends, not something you should ask a professional musician, but since you did, I’ll respond. Music… is like an old man’s penis: it’s never “hard.” (Only hard-ish when young boys walk by)  It’s also like a hermaphrodite’s genitals: It is what you make of it. It’s like a woman’s vagina: You get out of it what you put into it. It’s like a gay man’s coin purse; always shorn and presentable (below a great set of abs, of course). It’s like a virgin’s right hand: utterly exhausted and calloused… Wait… I forgot your question. OH!! Yea, music… Okay; you ever learned something and thought, “Man, how did I ever NOT know that?” Well, that’s how music is. Once you learn jazz chords, progressions, standard songs, and develop the dexterity necessary to put it all together, they aren’t “hard” anymore. And any good punk music will melt your face off. You ever listened to Rancid? (You ever listened to Rancid… on WEED?)  I don’t care who you think you are… If you think you’re too good for punk; if you think it’s “too easy,” you’re not good enough for punk.  This would be the point where you lose a few pounds, do some sit-ups, and find a comfortable mattress, cause you’re gonna be spending a LOT of time trying to suck your own dick.  NEXT QUESTION!

Question: I’ve bought the videos, subscribed to the magazines, and gone to the classes, but no matter what, I can’t seem to get the ‘moves like Jagger.’
Answer: I wasn’t aware those avenues of learning even existed for such a pointless venture, but since you apparently have gone all-out to waste your life shamelessly, let me offer some obviously much needed help. Instead of buying food, you should buy duct tape and wrap your head in it until you black out.  Huffing paint is also acceptable.  Should you regain consciousness, invest in scorpions and let them roam free in your bed when you sleep (naked, preferably). The thing you don’t get about Jagger’s moves is that Adam Levine has a MONOPOLY on them. He owns the rights. He’s like Wal-Mart is with cheap shit, ugly Americans, fat chicks in sweat pants, and illegal immigrant workers (*cough* I’m looking at you, every Walmart in California). Anyway, whatever it is you’re after can be safely substituted with self-worth, a satisfying career, and a fulfilled love life. Since you obviously have none of the above, I recommend dying of sepsis.  Disseminated Intra-vascular Coagulopathy is all the rage this season.  NEXT!

Question:I’m Jewish and psychic and I’m offended by an answer that you’re about to give in response to a question this week. Why do you hate Jews so much?
Answer: Better question: Why would’nt anyone not NOT hate Jews? Just kidding.*
†NOT.* (see above)

Question: Why are you so bitter?
Answer:What makes you think I’m bitter, you Jew-loving, cock-sucking cock sucker?

Question: I notice a common put-down is “cock-sucker.”  Why is this even a put-down?  Isn’t that… a good thing?  I mean, I like getting some hot skull just as much as the next guy…
Answer: That wasn’t music related (unless you’re Freddie Mercury or Rod Stewart…) But that is an interesting question… And while we’re at it, why is “sub-par” a term describing something not very good? These are the things that keep me awake at night; thank you for a very thoughtful question.

Question: Why are there no new classic songs?
Answer: The company that makes classic songs was outsourced to China. Same with classic car makers. It’s hard as hell to get a brand new ’69 Chevy Camaro SS. You’d think they stopped making them or something! Anyway, yes, I’m just as upset as you about this strange phenomenon. How come the Doors haven’t come out with any new hits recently that have been popular for 30 years? Am I right? AM I RIGHT? Douche.

Question: How can I get better at reading music?
Answer: Simple. Stop wasting all your time cutting holes in microwaved fruit to see if your dick fits. This will give you back an enormous amount of time.  Plus you’ll save yourself the pain of pissing after you mistakenly fuck a grapefruit thinking it was a cantelope. Put your glasses on, you dumb shit: citrus = ouch, cantelope = oooh.

Question: I’m a good musician and I want to teach; any suggestions?
Answer: Is it music you want to teach or that thing where you shoot ping-pong balls out of your… Oh it is music? Well, that’s stupid and pointless.  Okay, well, Craigslist is always an option. Come to think of it, Craigslist is good for that other thing, too.

Well I’m spent… Fuck you all; AND SEND IN THOSE QUESTIONS!!!

  1. zakhansonfan says:

    Dang, Jase; I’m sure your parents must be proud. Way to string together a bunch of dick jokes and insults from the 90’s.

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