Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Warning. Offensive material ahead. Stop reading now.

Why, Hello There, Little Fella! How About A Little Arr-Aye-Pee-Ee?

31 years old.

I think, given various accounts of the afterlife, people appear in their 30’s after death because this really is the prime time of life. I’m old enough to have a deep well of knowledge to ponder in even the boringest of moments, I’m well on my way to deciding what I want to be when I grow up, and I’m not -as a rule- worried about the little things in life. No, not the little things that make life worth living, like the smell of rain or freshly brushed teeth, but the little niggling things that kids stress over; girls (or boys, whatever you’re into), fashion, sports, popularity… I guess to some extent we never completely outgrow these concerns, but they’re gently replaced with other concerns… like dying, loneliness, bankruptcy, diabetes, heart disease, and being abducted by aliens with butt fetishes.

Another great thing about getting older is that I’ve heard SO much great music. I honestly feel sorry for younger kids that haven’t experienced as much music as I have. I know they eventually will, but I’m sure they don’t realize how great of an impact it can or will have on their lives. Like Nine Inch Nail’s “Closer?” Who would’ve thought that fucking someone like an animal was appropriate? I had to fuck SO many animals to get it right for the first human I tried it on. Since I’m big into ethics, I didn’t feel it would have been right to try it on a live human being until I had perfected my method on cadavers first. The first live human I fucked like an animal wondered why my dick smelled like formaldehide. I couldn’t give him a good answer. I’m not a scientist.

So yea; back to baby rape. If you’ve ever had a baby force himself upon you, there are support groups. Any form of unwanted contact is technically rape (according to the Army) so you can charge the little bastard with a felony before it learns to walk. That’ll teach it to spit up on your shoulder…

Ah; where was I? Oh yes: getting older. I recently had a patient (I’m a well-known euthanasia doctor, in case you didn’t know) who was completely out of his mind. A small part of me felt sorry for him; brain tumor eating him alive and all – but another part of me was super jealous! I am unbelievably curious as to what his train of thought must be like from his perspective. It was like he was on an acid trip and me and all his other caregivers were mere apparitions in his hallucinations. I can’t imagine how awesome that must be- especially since he has no other co-morbidities (that means “other diseases,” for those of you in Rio Linda) so he isn’t afflicted with severely painful ailments that could otherwise ‘harsh his mellow.’ Basically he’s just a tripping-balls-ass big baby.

That’s why I look forward to getting old- like REALLY old – like… 50! You can’t grow a little deathly brain tumor like that in only 31 years (unless you’re one of those lucky little bastards that dies of brain cancer at age 8). I can’t wait to lay there helplessly tripping-ass-balls-dick out of my gourde, pissing everywhere; shitting everywhere; not a care in the world except the ghosts of 20-year-old memories that dance around me 24/7 (or 3 & 3/7 for those of you in Rio Linda) with the occasional modernly-dressed nurse walking in to feed me happy pills at routine intervals. Please: No one re-orient me.




BAM! With a title like that, how could you NOT read this article, right?  I apologize if your work computer has blocked my site.  If it hasn’t yet, I submit to your proxy server a picture of my penis:

Straight-up penis skin, baby! (not baby penis, despite it's size...)

You’d be surprised by some of the weird shit I Google.  Or not.  Whatever.  I’m not paid to surprise you so frankly, I could care less.  However, without fail I will wind up on someone’s blog and after reading the post, I will read the comments.  Occasionally the comments have useful feedback, corrections, anecdotes, testimonials, or even the phone number to a tranny down at Waikiki that said she’d meet me but didn’t because she thought I was a cop because I asked too many questions because I like to play danger safely and that cost me half a tank of gas BUT I DIGRESS…

Anyway, I was on a blog about some guy who shaves with extra virgin olive oil.  I was intrigued.  I’ve been looking for a way to simplify and revamp my hygiene regiment to be more organic and natural.  It was a good article.  But the comments made it great.  So, without further adieu…

Very good journey and experience!

Okay.  A little vague but perhaps still relevant…

nice share, good article, very usefull for me…thank you

Hmm.  Pretty vague AND a misspelled “useful?”

really appreciate YOU — thanks a lot!

Uh, stalker much?  Why the emphasis on “you?”

One again, your articles is very good.thank you!very much

Notice the punctuation and in particular, the punctuation in between “you” and “very.”  I mean, sometimes I type too fast and put one or two letters in the wrong order, but not entire concepts… Okay, sometimes I even put entire wrong order!concepts in the

Thanks for good information that comes out to read.

This is where it starts to get good.  I mean, was it necessary to write “that comes out to read?”  That’s like getting food at a restaurant and telling the waiter, “Thanks for the food that you gave me that I can eat.”  I guess if a majority of the food was burnt or spoiled, you may say it sarcastically…

A thing of beauty is a joy forever

This is not even… This has nothing to do with the article.  Plus the premise is flawed.  Even beautiful flowers die eventually.

Very inspiring place of levy.

Hmm.  I assume they meant to say “levity,” but instead I think perhaps they are trying to wage war?

In turn supplied by all the team is amazingly of usage expert all of us, Thanx to alllllll ….

I don’t even know about this one… When someone says “all,” they would elongate the “a” not the “ll.” This would look and sound weird.  Plus, who even elongates the word “all” anyway? I can’t think of a single instance where you would.  This is when I began to be suspicious…

This is the first time I comment on your site, but I’ve been keeping up with your work for a while now. I admire the passion with which you write the articles and dream that someday I can do the same. Love

Oooh! Whichever bot wrote this comment must have a human heart!!!

I like idea behind your post. I want to read more from you. Your thought process is unique and effective.

Thank you, fifth-grade teacher bot.  Your thought process, however, is commonplace and impotent.

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This one is my favorite: just look at all the syntax errors and mis-usage!!! Mmmm it’s creamy and delicious!  I mean, “I need to confess your data extended my sentiments…” PURE FUCKING GOLD.  I invite you to say this one out loud, with feeling.  It’ll tickle your chicken dick.

This blog is terrific. There’s often all the appropriate info at the suggestions of my fingers. Thank you and maintain up the superior work!

Question: What are the ‘suggestions of your fingers?”

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Yo dawg, I heard you liked consideration.

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This bot is REALLY into shaving with olive oil.  So much so that he is requesting updates as the author gains expertise.  With all the effort needed to be developed to discuss this, perhaps we’ll see a whole series of articles by this man providing us with a “great deal” more information on this endlessly (apparently) deep subject.  You know, if it’s feasable.

 I’m impressed of , I need to say. Really not often do I encounter a blog that’s each educative and entertaining, and let me inform you, you have got hit the nail on the head. Your concept is outstanding; the difficulty is one thing that not sufficient people are speaking intelligently about. I’m very blissful that I stumbled throughout this in my seek for something regarding this.

This man is apparently BLISSFUL about this.  I mean, a good clean shave is nice and all, I’ll admit, but this guy has got hit the nail IN the head.

ZOMG Okay, I had a blast “writing” this.  Well, copying and pasting. Well, pointing and clicking.  Damn.  Nothing is real, is it?

Peace, y’all!

Columbia has the highest rapacious mongoose to raped baby ratio per capita of all the 3rd-world countries.  It’s true (It’s… not true).  It seems some mongooses would have had to double-up or share their prey to make this fake statistic true… Or… ***Jase: write something reviling here! Don’t publish post until you’ve offended even yourself… babies with AIDS… meh, keep trying*******

I’m not even sure why I shared the above “fact” with “you.”  Honestly it isn’t even related to anything. But this is also true; Paraguay just passed a law which allows gay marriage after suddenly realizing their country’s name is basically “pair-of-guys.”  This is also not true.

I… I’m sorry.  I have no idea why I feel the need to constantly lie to you: my beloved reader.  Incidentally, I don’t think it’s going to work out; it’s not me, it’s you.  Also, I let the cat scratch his sting ring with your toothbrush after he accidentally ate a whole bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

So I finally made it to the beach today, after having been in Hawaii for just over two months.  I was up in Haleiwa on the Northshore, in what I can only guess was the kiddie-pool part of the ocean.  There were no waves, but for some reason everybody and their used-to-be-hot moms were standing up on surf boards paddling around.  I was going to take a picture of how beautiful it was, but then I remembered Google exists, so for your enjoyment, here’s an image of a beach:

You get the idea.  There’s water, sky, palm trees, and traffic.  Big fucking whoop.  Any dick with even the remotest capacity for omnipotence could make a beach.

A lady walked by me who I would’ve thought had great abs, but I realized it was her spine I was seeing from the front.  You see, around here, and in life in general I’ve discovered, you can’t look too close or too long at anybody or anything: What seems benevolent or benign or at the very least, non-deleterious (you likey? me likey!), turns out to be the opposite; that’s right: non-NON-DELETERIOUS.  I mean, have you ever gone down on someone and really analyzed the smell?  Observe a brief selection from The Vagina Monologues:


See what I mean? But later, she proudly proclaims:


Well, bitch, maybe if it smelled more like rain, snowflakes, roses, or fuck; even curry (no wait… not curry; PLEASE not curry…) The smell would be easier to identify, less taxing on our imagination (almost wrote im-vagination…), and less deleterious.

And to be honest, I think I’d be more pissed that my fish tasted like veejay.  That’s the type of thing that might make the evening news.

Okay, so by now it’s obvious I don’t know what “deleterious” even means, but I’m going to move self-righteously along anyway, so try to keep up.

AND THE DICK!!! Boys, boys, boys; I didn’t forget about you! Do YOU have any idea what you’re putting your partner through? Dick: Meh, not so bad. It’s easy to keep clean and generally gets plenty of air (around my house, anyway, what with the flappin’ and the floppin’) Balls: Not so much. They have the flappin’ and floppin’ but also the double misfortune of sitting right next to Mr. Stinky AND shriveling up to entrap whatever moisture and bacteria you wish to imagine. They’re pretty much the ugly, pendulous, prolapsed vagina of a dude. Only difference is, you can’t fuck them… Well… for brevity’s sake, we’ll say you can’t fuck them.  I don’t have time to draw diagrams and I’m on public WiFi so I shouldn’t Google images of that nature.  Anyway, this proves that just because you like dick & nuts doesn’t mean you’re gay (it also proves the opposite of whatever it was I just said, I think…). In fact, if you like vagina you’re probably just a closeted nutter butter lover.  Fuck, I could go for a nutter butter right now!

Fuck me; I was telling you about my day at the beach, huh?

So yea, day at the beach, blah blah blah sand blah blah crabs blah birds blah blah… OH! So I had a dish today called an “Acai Bowl.” It’s pretty much one of those frozen paper cans of condensed juice blended until smooth. It was okay, but what I really wanted was pretty much anything else. Well, after paying $9 for my little bowl of fro-yo, the young guy running the stand exclaimed, “Damn, she was hot,” referring to some pair of legs that apparently had walked by. This truly perplexed me. First, there were two beautiful young girls at the stand with us talking about how long their pubes were or some shit. Secondly, when you work at the beach, how are even still sensitive to a concept like a “hot girl?” I only watch a tiny bit of porn and I am completely desensitized to beauty in both sexes, animals, midgets, and clowns. As a side effect, bowling pins make me horny. But I digress… I guess when you’re young and single (or have even trace amounts of testosterone running through your body) you never lose ‘it.’

And quickly, before I forget, Blake Shelton is a liar.  With the motion of the surf, it is impossible to have your ‘toes in the ocean [and your] ass in the sand.’  They’re both in both,  both in neither, or only one in one at a given time; Shelton’s exact combination of body parts in beach components is pure fantasy.  Fuckin’ Mythbusters should have caught this one.  Shit.  That’s the last time I get my science from a drinking song.

Well, lastly before I headed home, I stopped at a tiny restaurant called the Beet Box. It was attached to a small natural food store that had – I swear – three of the same girl working. I ran into dis bitch in every aisle. Since I lack any social skills, I gave her the same retarded smile, retarded head nod, and, retarded “How’s it going?” every time. I’m a retard. And I can’t even smile regularly right now because I‘ve been chewing my bottom lip incessantly lately which makes my lip different colors of red. Here’s a picture of the herply-derplies for your edification:

It’s not quite that bad, but it’s bad enough to make me mad at the Jews.  But then, that’s the lesson of this post, really.

One of my biggest fears is being locked in a small room naked with spiders.

Have a great day!