“My Day At The Beach” or “Why You Should Probably Get A New Toothbrush”

Posted: December 30, 2011 in Don't Ever Read Ever, Humor, Rants, Uncategorized, Waxing Philosophical
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Columbia has the highest rapacious mongoose to raped baby ratio per capita of all the 3rd-world countries.  It’s true (It’s… not true).  It seems some mongooses would have had to double-up or share their prey to make this fake statistic true… Or… ***Jase: write something reviling here! Don’t publish post until you’ve offended even yourself… babies with AIDS… meh, keep trying*******

I’m not even sure why I shared the above “fact” with “you.”  Honestly it isn’t even related to anything. But this is also true; Paraguay just passed a law which allows gay marriage after suddenly realizing their country’s name is basically “pair-of-guys.”  This is also not true.

I… I’m sorry.  I have no idea why I feel the need to constantly lie to you: my beloved reader.  Incidentally, I don’t think it’s going to work out; it’s not me, it’s you.  Also, I let the cat scratch his sting ring with your toothbrush after he accidentally ate a whole bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

So I finally made it to the beach today, after having been in Hawaii for just over two months.  I was up in Haleiwa on the Northshore, in what I can only guess was the kiddie-pool part of the ocean.  There were no waves, but for some reason everybody and their used-to-be-hot moms were standing up on surf boards paddling around.  I was going to take a picture of how beautiful it was, but then I remembered Google exists, so for your enjoyment, here’s an image of a beach:

You get the idea.  There’s water, sky, palm trees, and traffic.  Big fucking whoop.  Any dick with even the remotest capacity for omnipotence could make a beach.

A lady walked by me who I would’ve thought had great abs, but I realized it was her spine I was seeing from the front.  You see, around here, and in life in general I’ve discovered, you can’t look too close or too long at anybody or anything: What seems benevolent or benign or at the very least, non-deleterious (you likey? me likey!), turns out to be the opposite; that’s right: non-NON-DELETERIOUS.  I mean, have you ever gone down on someone and really analyzed the smell?  Observe a brief selection from The Vagina Monologues:


See what I mean? But later, she proudly proclaims:


Well, bitch, maybe if it smelled more like rain, snowflakes, roses, or fuck; even curry (no wait… not curry; PLEASE not curry…) The smell would be easier to identify, less taxing on our imagination (almost wrote im-vagination…), and less deleterious.

And to be honest, I think I’d be more pissed that my fish tasted like veejay.  That’s the type of thing that might make the evening news.

Okay, so by now it’s obvious I don’t know what “deleterious” even means, but I’m going to move self-righteously along anyway, so try to keep up.

AND THE DICK!!! Boys, boys, boys; I didn’t forget about you! Do YOU have any idea what you’re putting your partner through? Dick: Meh, not so bad. It’s easy to keep clean and generally gets plenty of air (around my house, anyway, what with the flappin’ and the floppin’) Balls: Not so much. They have the flappin’ and floppin’ but also the double misfortune of sitting right next to Mr. Stinky AND shriveling up to entrap whatever moisture and bacteria you wish to imagine. They’re pretty much the ugly, pendulous, prolapsed vagina of a dude. Only difference is, you can’t fuck them… Well… for brevity’s sake, we’ll say you can’t fuck them.  I don’t have time to draw diagrams and I’m on public WiFi so I shouldn’t Google images of that nature.  Anyway, this proves that just because you like dick & nuts doesn’t mean you’re gay (it also proves the opposite of whatever it was I just said, I think…). In fact, if you like vagina you’re probably just a closeted nutter butter lover.  Fuck, I could go for a nutter butter right now!

Fuck me; I was telling you about my day at the beach, huh?

So yea, day at the beach, blah blah blah sand blah blah crabs blah birds blah blah… OH! So I had a dish today called an “Acai Bowl.” It’s pretty much one of those frozen paper cans of condensed juice blended until smooth. It was okay, but what I really wanted was pretty much anything else. Well, after paying $9 for my little bowl of fro-yo, the young guy running the stand exclaimed, “Damn, she was hot,” referring to some pair of legs that apparently had walked by. This truly perplexed me. First, there were two beautiful young girls at the stand with us talking about how long their pubes were or some shit. Secondly, when you work at the beach, how are even still sensitive to a concept like a “hot girl?” I only watch a tiny bit of porn and I am completely desensitized to beauty in both sexes, animals, midgets, and clowns. As a side effect, bowling pins make me horny. But I digress… I guess when you’re young and single (or have even trace amounts of testosterone running through your body) you never lose ‘it.’

And quickly, before I forget, Blake Shelton is a liar.  With the motion of the surf, it is impossible to have your ‘toes in the ocean [and your] ass in the sand.’  They’re both in both,  both in neither, or only one in one at a given time; Shelton’s exact combination of body parts in beach components is pure fantasy.  Fuckin’ Mythbusters should have caught this one.  Shit.  That’s the last time I get my science from a drinking song.

Well, lastly before I headed home, I stopped at a tiny restaurant called the Beet Box. It was attached to a small natural food store that had – I swear – three of the same girl working. I ran into dis bitch in every aisle. Since I lack any social skills, I gave her the same retarded smile, retarded head nod, and, retarded “How’s it going?” every time. I’m a retard. And I can’t even smile regularly right now because I‘ve been chewing my bottom lip incessantly lately which makes my lip different colors of red. Here’s a picture of the herply-derplies for your edification:

It’s not quite that bad, but it’s bad enough to make me mad at the Jews.  But then, that’s the lesson of this post, really.

One of my biggest fears is being locked in a small room naked with spiders.

Have a great day!


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