Posted: November 1, 2010 in Uncategorized

My good friend and roommate today mentioned something that immediately stuck a chord of profundity with me this evening.  He casually mentioned how he was at times frustrated how there is so much to do and so much going on in the world and here he sits; rotting away at Fort Gordon.  Then he mentioned that he wished he could split himself into a bunch of different ‘hims’ to go around and accomplish all he wanted to accomplish in life. 

Right then it occurred to me that this is exactly the dance of eternity; our one eternal consciousness at the highest level wishes to experience all there is to experience so She (pronoun is irrelevant; God does not have a cock or vagina) splits into an infinite number of itself and becomes man, plant, animal, rock, cosmos.  Then, he gathers herself together and shares that experience for the sheer joy of it and decides what it would like to experience/create next for himself.  Thus you have Jason, Obama, Charles Manson, Gandhi, Hitler, etc.  Perhaps even mediocrity – which I appear to be destined for – is in itself an extreme and therefore desirable by infinite consciousness to achieve whatever ends God has planned out

Sometimes I feel like I’m one of the few with the secret of existence and I’m desperate to share it with whoever will listen but everybody is stuck in the mucky-muck of tradition and religion.  I will say that religion is not all bad; social support is very necessary for a healthy life as is charity, spirituality, and focus on more eternal things.  But anyway, I find that I have become exactly what I – when I used to be a Christian – would warn people about and preach against. 

It’s kind of like a video game where you have a number of characters that you groom and level-up to become super strong and then in one scene the story turns your – perhaps most – powerful character against you and you have to fight him/her.  So this is where I am.  I don’t want to be a nay-sayer, bible basher, heathen, pagan, occultist, or whatever I would have called myself back when, but to me all the pieces fit together so perfectly that I find myself offended when others don’t view existence the same as I do.

Especially when it comes to Earth being the only populated planet in the cosmos… On one hand, no, I have never consciously or bodily in this incarnation (see how many qualifiers I need JUST to be diplomatic?) been to another planet or met an “alien” – though good cases have been made by many that each of us are aliens and/or the Earth is simply a biological spaceship of sorts.  But likewise, neither has my detractor; that’s the most frustrating thing about religion and paranormal/metaphysical discussion: except for personal experience, there is really no point in talking about it because a person will either believe in it or not. Like the matter of faith; I believe faith is the ultimate cop out for our god-given unique human reasoning, but others believe faith is the ultimate in such reasoning; that faith is the epitome of trust, devotion, belief, and submission.  I think faith has it’s place; mainly in the subconscious day-to-day activities such as getting out of bed (faith that the floor will be there when we step) and so on.  But in higher theological matters, faith loses it’s usefulness.  These are the realms where reasoning and logic and insight should lead the way.

I guess what my original intent was to come to terms with a glaring probability that I will never be “happy” or satisfied in this life.  What I feel is necessary is that I narrow my focus; cause right now I want it all.  I want all lovers, all talents, all stations in life (wealth, poverty, etc.) all feelings; but I know I can’t have it all in one life and really appreciate or explore – and thus truly experience – a given reality.

So how can I choose?  I know if I, for example, give up music to pursue tattooing, I would always resent that choice.  Maybe I need a more focused long term goal, such as becoming a doctor and married with children by a certain age and eliminating any obstacles to such an end.  I don’t know.  I know I’m still young enough to have room for error, but that leeway is quickly disappearing and before long I’m going to realize that my flight-of-fancy lifestyle has left me an empty, broken, and bitter man desperate for meaning and love, hopelessly searching in vain for a ticket out of my self-imposed mediocrity while I descend into obscurity.

Anyway, that’s kind of what’s on my mind this morning (it’s morning now and I have to be up in a few hours but my mind won’t stop reeling).  Thanks for reading.


  1. M says:

    Dude, wow. The first thing I thought when reading this was that’s awsome you finaly found or at least experianced the balance you’ve forever have been in search of, but then you conrtinued thinking and burned my first thougt. I’m gonna totaly go against my own preaching here by saying I need to think of a proper comment later on how thinking tomuch is not always the best way to experiance a truely fully happy moment

    always have always will

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