Ask Mr. Musician #3

Posted: March 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

     I’m Feeling a bit ‘black’ today.  I don’t know if it’s cause I finally tried “chitterlings” or if it’s because I put water on my cereal today because I was out of milk, or maybe today I just crave orange juice.  Perhaps I feel black today because I’m sickened by stupid racist stereotypes.  I’m white, but do you see me living in a mansion sipping a mint julep on the porch of my plantation? NO! Of course not!  Mammy (our family’s …uh, ‘helper’…) forgot to get the Bourbon.  You better believe she’ll get what’s coming to her for that little slip-up. 

     Where was I? Oh yes.  Stereotypes.  I’m white, but do I look like I’m good at basketball? Or drive badly? Or take a siesta after lunch (and several other times throughout the day)? NO! But I do ALL of those things AND I’m good at math. 

     Anyway, our callers today have some retardedly generic questions.  I know this column is new, but please, people, at least TRY to come up with a good question.  Remember: there’s no question too big or too small: only stupid people. … Or something to that effect.

Today we’re implementing our new, more ‘reader-friendly’ visual format (I use words like “we” and “our” to make myself sound more important than I actually am).  And, as always, if you have a question, write to me at decreebass@gmail.com!

 

Glenn from Newport, Rhode Island asks:

     

     Hey dog; who’s your favorite composer and why?

Answer:

    

     If it was possible to punch you in the face through my computer… I WOULDN’T! Great question!

     People used to ask me this question and for the longest time I would say Beethoven was my favorite.  But not anymore.  He started acting like a little bitch to me and then posted some very hurtful things on Facebook.  When I tried to chat with him, suddenly he’d change his status to “away.”  Later I found out that his sister, LaQuanda, was saying that I wuh her baby daddy and I wuh all like, “uh-uh? I’m serious?”  “Oh. No. She. Di’int.”  I know I put a balloon over my New York Strip when I pounded that pavement (she had scary-big kelloids ‘down there’ by the way).  And Fur Elise? It was about his sisters bush.  I would have called it “Steel Wool Elise”, but I digress.  So, long story short, Beethoven turned out to be just another cum-farting fuck-smear and I told him to jump off a bridge.  Not quite sure if he heard me or not though…

    So where was I? Oh yes, well, now my favorite of the composers is Bach, for obvious reasons.  His music, being from the “newly released from Church oppression” baroque period is very exuberant, mathematical, experimental (but not stupid-crazy and cacophonic like Claude Michel Shonberg), and alive; like a horse right out of the starting gate.  Yo-Yo-Ma playing Bach’s cello suites? Finger-licking good, like a warm, gooey lollipop dipped in honey and crammed in your ear hole.

     And I’m not your dog.  Unless you scratch my belly and neuter me (uh, incidentally, don’t, please) don’t call me ‘dog.’  It’s disrespectful and I will SO de-friend you faster than an autistic kid spills milk.

Chase from Texas writes:

     Dear. Mr. Askthe ; I was wondering how this health-care debate will affect me, the traveling musician? 

Answer: 

     Not at all if you never get hurt or sick ever.  But if you do, plan on being fucked.  Not in the good way your obviously-virgin, bass-playing mind is thinking; I’m talking about getting a nightstick crammed right up your wallet-hole. NEXT QUESTION.

Erin from Denver writes: 

    Will you explain what an “octave” is in layman’s terms? 

ANSWER:

     It’s very technical.

Jill from Carson City, Nevada writes:

     Dear Mr. Mucus; I was thinking about naming my band after myself, like “The Steve Miller Band” or “Josh Groban” or “The John Mayer Trio.” 

Answer:

     Now here’s my question for you:  Was it really necessary to give three examples?  Did you really think I’m that dense?  Like I can’t understand a simple question without you having to ensure my comprehension with three examples? THREE EXAMPLES? Fuck me.  And “Mr. Mucus?” I’m not even gonna ask where, why, how, what, or when you came up with that.  And also, questions usually contain QUESTIONS!!!!!  I think fucking up my name and format is a game to you people now (…I don’t mean ‘you people’…). 

     Anyway, so if I understand your question correctly, you’re looking for a cool stage name.  Well, I’d go with “Princess” cause you sound like a total bitch and the irony would melt in my mouth, not in my hand.

I’m done.  Your combined idiocy has made made my brain sick to its stomach.  Remember; you can have your questions answered by emailing them to me at decreebass@gmail.com or typing them into the comment box below. 

Oh, and “chitterlings?” – Disgusting wads of shit.  Now where’s my watermelon…

Until next time!

Void where prohibited. Prices and participation may vary. See store for details. No purchase necessary.

-Mr. Musician

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