Ask Mr. Musician Episode #2

Posted: March 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

Today I feel utterly cheated by my audience.  There were really no questions that consisted of anything more that how to play certain songs, why the sudden increase in single-name black female performers, or if Billy Joel is still alive or not. Yes by the way, according to 51% of sources, which still constitutes a majority (democracy at its best).  Often when I am driving I imagine people jumping out in front of my car, and I spend a good deal of my time driving thinking about how I would defend myself in court in such a case: “Oh it was dark, and the streets were narrow, and they just jumped out in front of me…”  The following contributors constitute my victims in those fantasies.

And, as always, if you have a question, write to me at!


Gavin from Arkansas asks:

     Dr. Mr.: What is an REO Speedwagon?


     Short answer: Your mom, Gavin, your mom.  I didn’t know you could be both a hick AND a homosexual (a hickosexual?).  In this day and age you still haven’t learned to Google shit like this? More to the point, what is anything anymore? Why are we here?
     Anyway, an REO Speedwagon was a car used by the band to haul their gear; like a flatbed truck.  But seriously; you need to spend less time huffing spray-paint listening to AC/DC and more time practicing.  REO Speedwagon is no longer a relevant band; much like ANYTHING from the 70’s and 80’s.  The music died with Nixon.  Wait; you’re from Arkansas, so I mean it died with the potential for children that ended up on Lewinsky’s blue dress (since you insist on bringing up the past).
     Oh, and Back In Black is NOT the greatest album ever, so please stop driving around with your windows down blasting it.  And while we’re at it, an F-250 painted entirely in mossy oak is less cool than you could possibly imagine. 

Gilbert from Alaska writes:

     Dear Sr. Musicman:  We have been searching for a wicked-awesome bass player (which is hard to find here in Juneau) and we finally found one guy who seems pretty legit, but his name is Archibald.  Should we let him in?


     FUCK NO!  Have you ever know an Archibald who wasn’t a complete douche?  I don’t care if he’s better than Flea fucking Victor Wooten while Les Claypool finger-bangs Ray Brown’s corpse and takes a drag from a cigarette in a dark corner of the dirty hotel room while they all listen to Boots Collins. 
     Archibald is a bigger no-no than de-wigging an old lady at the IHOP.  Your band will never go anywhere, you’ll all be flipping burgers and living with overweight, alcoholic, child-porn watching, perpetually single, pizza-delivering room-mates until you’re 50.  While we’re at it, don’t have anyone in your band named Cassius, Reginald (unless he goes by Reggie), Franz, or Gilbert.  … Um – do YOU have a cool middle name?  Cause it just might be time to dust it off.  But what’s with this “Sr. Musicman” bullshit? don’t you read the column? Don’t you listen to the podcast? You’re in Alaska.  they don’t even have Mexicans there, so why the Espanol?  And for the last time, Musicman is a brand of instruments.  I am Mr. Musician.  I’ll thank you to remember that if you ever hope to have your question answerd by me again. You also blow your chances by using terms like “wicked-awesome,” but at least you hyphenated correctly…

Frankie from Ontario writes:

     I was thinking about writing a song about Watergate.


     No, no it’s okay.  I’ll wait.  … Oh that’s it? Okay, again – not a question.  Anyway, while your at it, I suggest a Vietnam war protest song.  Maybe even a little desegregation music.  You bag of 100% pure, unrefined, extra-virgin, cold-pressed, tripple-distilled, picked-at-the-peak-of-freshness, unadulterated douche.  What pretention you must have to think you have something relevant to contribute to any discussion of the subject, let alone think people even still care about it.  Ooh Ooh I know; maybe you could write a song about the Silver Panic of 1893 – now THERE’s some fresh material for you! Also, any ripe material about the Pullman strike? Or the Haymarket Riots? …Fucktard.

Jamie from Idaho writes:

     I’m afraid to ask you anything because you just cuss out anyone who does.  But I do want to know: what is my bass player talking about when he says stuff like “one, four five progression?”


     Jamie, I’m not going to cuss you out for three reasons: First, with such an androgynous name I don’t know if you’re a boy or girl so it’s hard to choose just the right expletives, secondly, you didn’t even try to use any pleasantries to address me which means that at least you didn’t get my title or name wrong.  Thirdly, you actually have asked a very good question.  What is a “one-four-five” progression? 
     Well it is simply a “two five six” progression minus one.  Could you REALLY not figure this out on your own?  Don’t you kids go to school anymore? Or are you too busy with your Hannah Montana and “a-purple-bracelet-means-I’ll-suck-your-dick-but-a-lavender-means-we-can-hold-hands” and your…Hello Kitty…
     Look – you set up the equation like this: (1,4,5)-1.  It’s that simple.  You know it’s no surprise that your bass player understands these fundamentals and you struggle with them.  With a name like Jamie I’m sure your parents were indecisive in choosing your name, and also as to whether they wanted a boy or girl.  So you inherited your parent’s stupidity and insecurities – All is not lost.  Hopefully you’re good-looking cause that will be your only saving grace in this life;  You have two choices left: Start hooking or marry up. 
     Hmm.  Waddaya know.  I was able to talk shit to you after all.  I just picked a direction and went with it.  I’m actually pretty proud of myself.  Anyway, keep practicing and maybe your bass player will take your sad, shriveled little girl (probably)brain under his wing and learn you a thing or two.  Have fun with your potatoes, you dirt-farming pleb.

Well, that’s all the time we have today.  Remember; you can have your questions answered by emailing them to me or typing them into the comment box below.  Until next time!

Void where prohibited. Prices and participation may vary. See store for details. No purchase necessary.

-Mr. Musician


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