Ask The Mr. Musician Issue #1 (Collector’s Edition)

Posted: March 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

Today I take questions from you!  I am here for all of your music related questions.  click here to submit a question!  We don’t shy away from the toughest issues to rock the music world.  Nor do we belligerently crush the tiny insignificant questions of the stupidest pleb.  We are here for YOU.  read on…

Zephemery from Orlando writes:

Dr. Music Man, I want to know why it is that when I practice piano scales, especially E major, I can do it nice and clean with my left hand, but my right hand’s fingers keep slipping and hitting discordant notes?

ANSWER:

First off, that wasn’t really a question.  That’s the type of shit you should use spell/grammar-check for.  Secondly, it’s Mr. Musician, not “Dr. Music Man.”  We’ve already had several lawsuits because of this so I’ll thank you not get me wrapped up in another.  The main problem here, I think – based on what I gather about your personality – is that your right hand is much more accustomed to holding a dick than pressing piano keys (or “long black and white buttons” as my retard daughter says).  What you need to do is paint dicks all over you piano and that should clear up your problem in a jiff – uh, white on black and black on white, to be clear.  Then it wont matter what notes you hit because they’ll all be in the key of “dick.”

Crangston Blarmy from Dover writes:

Dear Captain Music – I hate when, after I play guitar for a long period of time, I get this nasty residue on my fingertips and my fingers are black.  What can I do to avoid this?

ANSWER:

In short, kill yourself.  But if you’re looking for a solution that will cause less joy to your friends family, you can always make sure you wash your hands before you begin playing guitar, then you can wipe off the strings afterward; which will eliminate the dirt and corrosion that causes these black finger tips.  But just to be sure.  Also, you should check to make sure you’re not African American, as this would justify your black fingers. Now down to business: “Captain Music?” What the fuck.  I mean really. What the fuck. When you clicked on the link to submit your question, it clearly says “Mr. Musician.”  I think you’re trying to cause me to need heart medication.   NEXT QUESTION!

Regina Filangee from Montgomery writes:

Dear Professor Sound; I’m a female in a band of all guys…

ANSWER:

Reggie – can I call you Reggie? – I’m gonna stop you right there.  You’re probably a whore with a mediocre voice and they let you in as eye candy, not because your shitty demo singing a cover of a Pink song impressed them.  There are only four true ladies of the stage and two of them happen to be men and I doubt you’re one of the other two.  So before your heart is broken, suck some dick and be on your way – after all, you don’t want to be rude.

Well, that’s all the time we have today.  Remember; you can have your questions answered by emailing them to me at decreebass@gmail.com or typing them into the comment box below.  Until next time!

Void where prohibited. Prices and participation may vary. See store for details. No purchase necessary.

-Mr. Musician

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