Rants #1

Posted: September 28, 2009 in Uncategorized

How come on toilet paper commercials they spray blue liquid on the toilet paper?

Who needs to think about absorbency in regards to toilet paper?  I can understand for feminine hygiene products, I am a nurse and as such know that blue liquid leaks from ladies when they’re doing yoga, ballet, at dinner parties, and while bike riding.

Also, in makeup commercials, in who’s mind is bringing out cheek bones on a female a sexy thing to do?

Does anyone actually know how to play tetherball? And what’s the deal with airline peanuts?

You ever find youself switching channels cause there aren’t enough commercials?

People love to pretend they know stuff about real estate even though they’re total nOObs.  The only term they know is “vaulted ceiling” and “hard-wood floors.”

No one knows the difference between landscaping and hardscaping and no one cares.

I bought a Livestrong jelly bracelet and the guy behind in the checkout line warned me that they’re made by in sweatshops in 3rd world countries by children who get paid pennies a week.  I bought 2.  Who am I to fuck with someone else’s economy out of a skewed sense of self-righteousness?  If I don’t buy it, maybe 8-year-old Oojimbo doesn’t feed his family tonight.

Does the act of masturbation end when you ejaculate or when you close the window and clear the search history?

I paid $250 for a crystal ball from a lady who told me that the spiritual energies would attract money.  It obviously worked for her.  Also I did get paid that folowing pay-day, so I can’t say she was wrong.

I bought a flat screen TV cause it takes up less space than my old tube TV.  But I liked the way it looked by itself so much that I cleared everything off the TV shelf anyway.

I’ve been playing a lot of video games lately.  When I’m walking, I’ll look around, marveling at the definition, and think, “Hey, this is just like a first-person shooter!”

I eat a lot of olive Oil.  I’ve never once been assaulted by Popeye.  I don’t see a ring on the finger.  Her name is not Olive Eye yet, now is it?

I’ve never been to a Popeye’s chicken.  But the way the sign looks, to me it says, “Pope Yes.”  That’s weird.  Even if the chicken is good, I can’t eat at a place called Pope Yes.  I can’t envision enjoying Catholic clergy sanctioned fried poultry.

I’ve been eating too much celery.  I think most people don’t eat enough.  I would like to meet the guy who eats exactly the right amount of celery.

I don’t wash my dishes.  I just put new food in them when I’m ready to eat.  Before you judge, tell me you wash your cat or dog’s bowl out between every meal.  Fuck off.

It pisses me off that my glass is always full, empty, or somewhere in between.  How about a little variety every now and again?  Life is too predictable sometimes.

I have far too much kleenex around my room but surprisingly, no porn.  My kleenex to porn ratio is very unbalanced for a single caucasian male in my age demographic.

I have travel packs of kleenex.  The flap says “soulever/lift.” Anytime I would grab one I would think of a little Marvin Gaye or Tower of Power, appreciating Kleenex’s appreciation of funk; that is until I learned that “soulever” is French for “lift.”  Now everytime I grab one I think of how big of a dumbass I was all those years.

No more Kleenex jokes I promise.

I don’t use soap.  Really.  I believe in the sanctity of life and germs are people too.  Plus my pheromones are the only thing left attractive about me.

The only thing I’ve ever thought long and hard about is sex.  Well, at least hard.  Well… It’s kinda like…  You ever had warm string cheese?

I don’t think something as benign as cheese should be allowed to be described as sharp.

I play music.  When it’s at work I sleep with its sister.  Hate the game, not the playa.

The whole point of that last one was to demonstrate the correct usage of the apostrophe concerning its and it’s. Eat shit.

I was gonna take the SATs but I just remembered I’m busy that day.

If you take a multi-vitamin, you take other stuff too, like calcium or vitamin C.  But if you don’t take a multi-vitamin, you don’t take anything else.  This phenomenon is where all research funding should be directed.

My computer is ghetto.  I have to literally hotwire it by touching a brown and black wire together.  This sucks, but on the bright side, if I apply to be black in my next life I can say I have previous experience.

My computer speakers have removable grills, I guess to accomodate particular tastes or decors; as if anybody that buys theses shitty-ass speakers has any taste or sense of decor.

I have a lot of DVDs.  Well, I don’t, but whoever breaks in and steals them from me will.

“Scissors” is much too complicated of a word for such a common item used by  far too many people with far too little spelling education from much too young of an age.  Also, fuck you if you’ve EVER pronounced it “Skizors.”


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