My Butt Hurts

Posted: May 7, 2009 in Rants

     I won’t lie.  I have self destructive tendencies. Ever since I was in second grade I pull my eyelashes out with a sick sense of pain mixed with pleasure. You won’t be able to understand it unless you do it too, so don’t feel bad if you think I’m a twisted fuck.  It’s called trichotillomania.  Google it.

     Anyway, sitting here in Wild Wing Cafe, I was going to drown my sorrows in my dear old friend, alcohol: but I managed to resist the urge – mainly because I don’t have any ‘sorrows’ (what is this, the year 1411? who has ‘sorrow’ nowadays?), I hate alcohol, they don’t start serving for another hour, I have to drive home, and I’m too broke to drink. But I was on the verge, I tell you, the very razor’s edge!

Here’s my story.
     That NCLEX test was gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys.  … Hold on – I just saw an add in the Metro Spirit for a $65 pap smear (tempting… and only $35 for the morning-after pill? BUY ONE GET ONE FREE? OMG!!!!!) Anyway, where was I?

     Ah yes the test. Here is a short story to sum it up. I’m gonna break it down to you Sesame Street style. (BTW, after 26 years of life, today for the first time ever I saw the name “Snuffaluffagus” in writing.  I had never imagined it was such a funny-looking word)  

     The NCLEX was very kind to me.  It made me it’s friend.  It left me feeling whole as a person and confident in my skills.  Afterward, I was glad to have such a nice friend as the NCLEX.  I would take it again any day.  I would recommend it to all my friends!

Translation:

was very kind to me: made me it’s silly little chihuahua bitch dog, spat in my mouth and made me change my name to “Stacy” and said that it was aware that “Stacy” is an androgynous name and had I been born with it, it would have been nice and dignified, but since it was given during an ass raping I should feel humilitated, which I did. Then I swallowed it’s load. 

it’s friend: (see previous translation, but add somewhere in there threw me to the cold concrete floor and fucked me sideways).

whole as a person: humiliated and completely debased.

confident in my skills: pissed at the army for such ill-preparation.

have such a nice friend as the NCLEX: have pre-packed a whole tube’s worth of lube up in the old dumper, making the raping somewhat more not-unenjoyable (what?).

again: again and again and again and again and again until IT got tired!

friends: friend.

Tired of all the anal rape references? I know I am.  Hopefully others have a much better experience than I did.  Not likely though.

Jason

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